I wish you were there. I wish you were there to see how bitterly Maryan Sanda cried, her voice renting the air as the judge sentenced her to death by hanging for stabbing her husband to death. How the words ‘mummy…. mummy’ rolled off her lips in regret.

I wish you were there. I wish you were there to see how Kalu begged for his life as irate youths beat him to death for killing his wife. How he struggled hopelessly to put out the fire that was eating up his skin. How the smell of his burning skin choked passersby who could only shake their heads in pity.

I wish you were there. I wish you were there to see how Maureen was beaten mercilessly by her husband Olaoluwa. I wish you were there to see her fighting for her life as her husband forced ‘otapiapia’ down her throat. I wish you were there to see how her 5 year old son looked upon her lifeless body with tears in his eyes.

I wish you were there. I wish you were there to see how Mr. Otike was gruesomely murdered by his own wife Udeme who sliced his stomach open while he was asleep. I wish you were there to see how she used a kitchen knife to cut off his penis after killing him.

I wish you were there. I wish you were there to see how Zainab was killed by her Danish husband Nielson. How Zainab bled from all openings as Nielson rammed her head severally on a brick wall. I wish you were there to see how Nielson went ahead to poison their innocent 3-year old daughter.

I wish you were there. I wish you were there.

The list of domestic violence which has led to the murder of a spouse by a partner is endless and experts are blaming it on a phenomena known as ‘jealous rage’ or ‘morbid jealousy’. Whichever name the root cause decides to bear, an underlying factor which is altogether undeniable is the presence of un-resolved differences and accumulated grievances.

As it relates to women, when a woman starts feeling insecure, she thinks she is at the risk of losing her partner to someone else. At this point she starts communicating her fears wrongly. her emotions over rides her logic and she starts acting irrationally. There are always signs pointing to a fatal end for the partner. in the case of Maryam Sanda, she had once bitten off a part of her husbands ear during a heated argument and Udeme had several times threatened to kill her husband with a knife.

The more a woman’s frustration goes on without being resolved, the more dangerous her expressions become.

As it relates to a man, most abusive men are most times control freaks. As Lundy Bancroft once said, “An abusive man doesn’t have a problem with his anger, he has a problem with your anger.”

He wants to control even what you feel, so when he treats you bad, he doesn’t expect you to be angry or express vexation. He believes he has a right to be angry but the woman doesn’t. Most abusive men always have a dangerous sense of entitlement and when they feel their spouse is falling below expectations, the most appropriate corrective measures at their disposal are acts of violence – be it emotional, verbal or physical abuse. Always remember, if a man beats you once, he can always do it again.

When either partner notices a recurring pattern of abuse, don’t wait until it turns fatal. Seek help immediately. All forms of abuse or domestic violence has the potential of leading to the death of either spouses or in some extreme cases both spouses.

Spouse murder is now endemic in the society and people must be able to ask for help and also deploy appropriate coping skills to handle life’s frustrations and stresses. Sometimes it only takes a little insensitive act from a spouse to trigger an emotional outburst from an already provoked partner. Job loss, frustration, low self esteem, depression and many others are contributing factors to spouse murder.

A whole lot can be avoided by simply walking out of an abusive relationship. It is better to break a relationship than to walk out of a marriage, broken. The red flags are always there. Test your partner’s anger. Know how much self control he has when he is provoked. See how your partner reacts when she is frustrated.

If your partner still acts all cool and calm even when you are sure you have provoked them to blood-rage anger, then take that as a red flag. What he doesn’t show you in a relationship, he will unleash in marriage. We have heard and seen several cases where either spouse was everything one could ever dream of during the course of the relationship, but few months into marriage, it seemed like that sweet, loving and harmless partner had been substituted with a monster. There was no substitution. They were only hiding their fangs and claws and you mistook it for perfection.

Also learn how to resolve issues without resorting to violence or any form of abuse. I encourage people to let out their aggression in words. Speak about all you’re not happy with. Let your partner know how hurt you are by their actions. and do tell them not to do such again.

Do also know that you are not the only one who has something to say. Listen to your partner’s complaints too. You’ve been hurt by their actions or inactions, yes, but they might have been hurt by yours. Learn to listen not with the intent of replying but with the intent of understanding; understanding their pains and discontentment.

Finally, no one is worth your life or your freedom. Instead of murder please walk out. If you realize things are not working for you, please separate. It is a hard decision to make but it is better than murder or being killed.

 

 

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